OP 08 March, 2022 - 08:34 AM
I can just imagine some pretentious psuedo intellectual of a douche bag reading that title and making this face :serioushabibi: - 
- makes me feel pleasure imagining the dissatisfaction - not that there's not plenty of that going around about me - i wish i wasn't so completely fucked up - so i could be like everybody else - people don't seem to understand - what...severe pain and negative emotions - does to a persons personality and demeanor and outlook on life - when im not in pain and upset im an awesome dude - unfoortunately those moments are rare - this is what i am ...for now.
I hope that when i can finally get good at taking care of myself - y'know meeting all my needs - then i won't have to live with the guilty and self hatred of being so an burdensome presence to other people - i think about it constantly - i see people's faces in my head - making these..resentful...disapproving expressions...they make me feel horrible, terrible even...ofc that's not anything new really - im royally completely fucked up in that department - in fact the vast majority of my negative emotions are a result of me imagining peoples faces in my head uncontrollably as some sort of twisted defense mechanism therapists believe i developed as a child to protect myself from my abusive mother...only now im twenty fucking seven and im still suffering with this bull shit.
The good news on that front/regard is, im getting better and it seems very much so - that the better i take care of myself, the better my mental health is, significantly, + im fucking autistic,
I bring up autism because, believe it or not, you can only be SO aware of yourself, i have come to believe that i was so severely fucked up for so long, i had no idea i was genuinely autistic - to the point that bright lights and loud noises drove me insane, it's almost like the bi polarism and the PTSD outrage numbed me to the pain light and sound were causing me but they sure as shit were still contributing to my bad mood, i've been looking into getting theraspecs recently to help me with my light sensitivity .
Yesterday i went (wow im typing alot of shit again - people are gonna make me feel weird about how long i type and how much, analytical cunts) - anyways yesterday i went outside at 6:30 and the light was very dim - holy shit it was like i was walking in another reality, i didn't hate every person i laid eyes on, i thought it was just my PTSD making me completely miserable, but sure as SHIT nope, which is really good fucking news - because if i can get a hold on my light sensitivity problem , i may very well be able to enjoy going outside and being in crowds again, it's like im finally winning, and i know this to be possible because...while i was outside, i saw someone flying a drone, got genuinely excited and with no reservation or fear approached them to talk about it - so, apparently, light's really flaring up my PTSD problems, i always thought it was just some fucking curse tbh, but seriously,
the better i take care of myself the better my mental health is , i thought i'd never be comfortable outside until yesterday, what a fucking stroke of luck i had to go to walmart to cash a check (financially inept ik i should probably be cashing it with picture & online) but eh 
i choose not to for the time being even though it makes me feel like a poor enamored sausage fuck of a person like my father - drunkin train reck of a bastardy disappointment - the one good fucking thing he's done in his life - is realize how terminally fucked up he is and pawn me off to my grandparents, he straight up believes since he had me that he couldn't be my father due to his mental illnesses and instability, thank god for that level of self sacrifice he had to put me first in that regard - it sure as shit didn't stop him from fucking up my life though, but at least he didn't fuck it up as much as he could've possibly done, like idk raising me like shit, fuck man. i have so much to vent about him but im way too exhausted - thank god for tv shows and sandwitches - after living off of processed food for SO LONG - i finally bit the bullet and decided to grow up and buy some actual food - im starting with sandwitches and making taco's/spaghetti - lemme tell you something, sandwitches taste like heaven when you haven't had them forever, wish i could tell my little brother about that...jesus fucking christ...im exhausted now g2g im mad >:[ which is better than being depressed!
![[Image: Screenshot-2024-12-10-125146.png]](https://i.ibb.co/sRHxTTS/Screenshot-2024-12-10-125146.png)
*ALERT* I HAVE IMPOSTERS, CONFIRM ALL DEALS ON C.IO DM'S *ALERT*
![[Image: laxypenis.png]](https://i.ibb.co/zV9MsBV/laxypenis.png)
![[Image: Screenshot-2024-11-17-113752.png]](https://i.ibb.co/gzP3SrB/Screenshot-2024-11-17-113752.png)
- makes me feel pleasure imagining the dissatisfaction - not that there's not plenty of that going around about me - i wish i wasn't so completely fucked up - so i could be like everybody else - people don't seem to understand - what...severe pain and negative emotions - does to a persons personality and demeanor and outlook on life - when im not in pain and upset im an awesome dude - unfoortunately those moments are rare - this is what i am ...for now. I hope that when i can finally get good at taking care of myself - y'know meeting all my needs - then i won't have to live with the guilty and self hatred of being so an burdensome presence to other people - i think about it constantly - i see people's faces in my head - making these..resentful...disapproving expressions...they make me feel horrible, terrible even...ofc that's not anything new really - im royally completely fucked up in that department - in fact the vast majority of my negative emotions are a result of me imagining peoples faces in my head uncontrollably as some sort of twisted defense mechanism therapists believe i developed as a child to protect myself from my abusive mother...only now im twenty fucking seven and im still suffering with this bull shit.
The good news on that front/regard is, im getting better and it seems very much so - that the better i take care of myself, the better my mental health is, significantly, + im fucking autistic,
I bring up autism because, believe it or not, you can only be SO aware of yourself, i have come to believe that i was so severely fucked up for so long, i had no idea i was genuinely autistic - to the point that bright lights and loud noises drove me insane, it's almost like the bi polarism and the PTSD outrage numbed me to the pain light and sound were causing me but they sure as shit were still contributing to my bad mood, i've been looking into getting theraspecs recently to help me with my light sensitivity .
Yesterday i went (wow im typing alot of shit again - people are gonna make me feel weird about how long i type and how much, analytical cunts) - anyways yesterday i went outside at 6:30 and the light was very dim - holy shit it was like i was walking in another reality, i didn't hate every person i laid eyes on, i thought it was just my PTSD making me completely miserable, but sure as SHIT nope, which is really good fucking news - because if i can get a hold on my light sensitivity problem , i may very well be able to enjoy going outside and being in crowds again, it's like im finally winning, and i know this to be possible because...while i was outside, i saw someone flying a drone, got genuinely excited and with no reservation or fear approached them to talk about it - so, apparently, light's really flaring up my PTSD problems, i always thought it was just some fucking curse tbh, but seriously,
the better i take care of myself the better my mental health is , i thought i'd never be comfortable outside until yesterday, what a fucking stroke of luck i had to go to walmart to cash a check (financially inept ik i should probably be cashing it with picture & online) but eh i choose not to for the time being even though it makes me feel like a poor enamored sausage fuck of a person like my father - drunkin train reck of a bastardy disappointment - the one good fucking thing he's done in his life - is realize how terminally fucked up he is and pawn me off to my grandparents, he straight up believes since he had me that he couldn't be my father due to his mental illnesses and instability, thank god for that level of self sacrifice he had to put me first in that regard - it sure as shit didn't stop him from fucking up my life though, but at least he didn't fuck it up as much as he could've possibly done, like idk raising me like shit, fuck man. i have so much to vent about him but im way too exhausted - thank god for tv shows and sandwitches - after living off of processed food for SO LONG - i finally bit the bullet and decided to grow up and buy some actual food - im starting with sandwitches and making taco's/spaghetti - lemme tell you something, sandwitches taste like heaven when you haven't had them forever, wish i could tell my little brother about that...jesus fucking christ...im exhausted now g2g im mad >:[ which is better than being depressed!
*ALERT* I HAVE IMPOSTERS, CONFIRM ALL DEALS ON C.IO DM'S *ALERT*
![[Image: JgkxxkT.gif]](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.postimg.cc%2FJ7H6qDpS%2FJgkxxkT.gif)
