What do you people want from me

[439]

i sit here, surrounded by a community of criminals which are the closest connections I've ever had with anybody. I've never known the kind of acceptance and forgiveness and kindness I've been given here from anyone else. Talking to anyone else, feels like swallowing a hot coal, it stings and it burns. And yknow I'm becoming an adult, eventually every adult has to find a place in this world to be useful, every adult has to take care of themself and eventually make decisions that will shape the course of their lives. There's a life i strive to attain but it's becoming more and more of a pipe dream the longer i chase it. Maybe I'm just depressed right now and this doesn't really mean anything. But i started taking action again, decided i want a nice surround sound system and...my conscience immediately began attacking me, saying I'm being watched, consequences are looming, the people watching don't want you to do this and dread what they'll have to do if you go through with it or just plan to reject me entirely. Personally i've never really felt like prison would be such an existential nightmare, i get along with criminals and navigate their world with ease for the most part. Being locked up in a cage all day, well considering i spend all day every day in my room talking to myself and writing, can't imagine the venue changing would matter all that much. I live in my mind, i talk to myself, so i imagine that's how it would be in prison, with the exception of yknow, trying not to piss off gang members and racists, becoming useful to the point of not being fucked with and garnering respect amongst the population. The work detail feels like it would be so satisfying, maybe even it would help me to become a hard working man for once, because they won't fire me for being unstable and they'll force me aggressively to continue working and maybe that's what i need to finally...get it. Or better yet solitary confinement off my medication, hahaha...what a joyful delight. If i get off my medicine i would immediately be swept into a non stop roller coaster of delusions and intense emotions. That might drive me insane though, now that i think about, all that isolation and detachment from reality. I don't wanna let anybody down but it's not like people are doing anything but watching and hoping i don't change for the worst, you'd think if people really gave a fuck about me they'd reach out directly and be doing something, anything at all. Not cheering from the sidelines and meddling in my life in small ways, which is just oh so noble and kind isn't it, that level of fuck giving, please. If it doesn't make a difference it never mattered and if the outcome doesn't go your way, i always blame myself and say i didn't try hard enough, most people don't seem to,, but it's only logical to focus on what you can control and recognize the degree of influence you played on the outcome of the situation. You always can do more. 

I guess that's what i want more than anything right now is some guidance and fuck giving, wish i had someone to rely on for it.

*ALERT* I HAVE IMPOSTERS, CONFIRM ALL DEALS ON C.IO DM'S *ALERT*

[639]

Man, I feel you. It's messed up that the people who get you the most are criminals, right? Like, the ones who should be the worst end up being the realest. It's hard to feel normal when you're always looking over your shoulder – that whole 'conscience attacking me' thing, I get that.
It sounds like you're in this weird limbo, man. Wanting a normal life, wanting to make something of yourself, but part of you feels like that path is closed, that maybe prison's all that's left. You think you could handle the prison life because, well, you're kinda living it in your own way already, right? Isolated, stuck in your own head.
But here's the thing, man: deep down, that ain't the life you really want. Wanting that surround sound, that's part of wanting something normal, something good. That's the part of you worth fighting for. And that whole "work detail might make me strong" thing – it speaks to wanting a purpose, wanting to build yourself up.
Problem is, you're on your own with this. You want real guidance, someone to actually give a damn and help you figure this crap out, but it feels like everyone's just watching you struggle. That's gotta be the worst kind of loneliness.
Listen, I don't have easy answers. But here's what I do know:

• That voice telling you prison's the answer, it's lying. Easy path isn't always the right one.
  
• You deserve more than "cheering from the sidelines" kinda help.
  
• Maybe the "normal" life ain't so far off. It might not look like everyone else's, but that doesn't mean it can't be yours.
  

I don't know you, but I hear how freakin' hard you're trying in this message. You analyze the hell out of everything, you want to do better, and that kind of fight? That takes guts. Don't give up on that part of yourself.
Important: I'm not a therapist or expert. It sounds like you're in a dark place right now, feeling hopeless. Please, please reach out to someone you can trust or to a crisis hotline. There are people who want to help.

[39]

i sit here, surrounded by a community of criminals which are the closest connections I've ever had with anybody. I've never known the kind of acceptance and forgiveness and kindness I've been given here from anyone else. Talking to anyone else, feels like swallowing a hot coal, it stings and it burns. And yknow I'm becoming an adult, eventually every adult has to find a place in this world to be useful, every adult has to take care of themself and eventually make decisions that will shape the course of their lives. There's a life i strive to attain but it's becoming more and more of a pipe dream the longer i chase it. Maybe I'm just depressed right now and this doesn't really mean anything. But i started taking action again, decided i want a nice surround sound system and...my conscience immediately began attacking me, saying I'm being watched, consequences are looming, the people watching don't want you to do this and dread what they'll have to do if you go through with it or just plan to reject me entirely. Personally i've never really felt like prison would be such an existential nightmare, i get along with criminals and navigate their world with ease for the most part. Being locked up in a cage all day, well considering i spend all day every day in my room talking to myself and writing, can't imagine the venue changing would matter all that much. I live in my mind, i talk to myself, so i imagine that's how it would be in prison, with the exception of yknow, trying not to piss off gang members and racists, becoming useful to the point of not being fucked with and garnering respect amongst the population. The work detail feels like it would be so satisfying, maybe even it would help me to become a hard working man for once, because they won't fire me for being unstable and they'll force me aggressively to continue working and maybe that's what i need to finally...get it. Or better yet solitary confinement off my medication, hahaha...what a joyful delight. If i get off my medicine i would immediately be swept into a non stop roller coaster of delusions and intense emotions. That might drive me insane though, now that i think about, all that isolation and detachment from reality. I don't wanna let anybody down but it's not like people are doing anything but watching and hoping i don't change for the worst, you'd think if people really gave a fuck about me they'd reach out directly and be doing something, anything at all. Not cheering from the sidelines and meddling in my life in small ways, which is just oh so noble and kind isn't it, that level of fuck giving, please. If it doesn't make a difference it never mattered and if the outcome doesn't go your way, i always blame myself and say i didn't try hard enough, most people don't seem to,, but it's only logical to focus on what you can control and recognize the degree of influence you played on the outcome of the situation. You always can do more. 

I guess that's what i want more than anything right now is some guidance and fuck giving, wish i had someone to rely on for it.

[1.555]

My advice, for what it's worth...I know you're not one for being around people, but being cooped up in a room all day probably isn't that good for you. Try spending some time outside somewhere with a nice view, where you can just be alone and think. Do it a couple times a week or more if you can. Think about what *you* want for yourself, and fuck what everyone else wants for you.

I guess that's what i want more than anything right now is some guidance and fuck giving, wish i had someone to rely on for it.

The only person you can every truly rely on is yourself.

[6.592]

[13]

i want nothing from u