I have made an interesting new discovery

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it pretains to my autism and PTSD 

I had an abusive mother growing up from age 1-6 - she taught me - great cruelty and aggression - which i have been unable - for 2 decades - to inform anyone - i was perceiving - that the reason im upset all the time - hurt - never trust anyone - is because - they say - look at me - and act - in extremely hurtful ways - and then plead for my understanding and considerence for it be unintended - all day i swallow my pain and my hurt and my anger and my fear - to appease others - being incapable of understanding how much they're hurting me.

The only thing people see - is their intention - my anger - and their pain ---- 

I cannot endure such treatment at the hands of others and keep my pain and anger at bay forever - for almost 2 decades i have been forced by others to mask and hide my feelings - all the while enduring unspeakable pain at the hands of all those who were around me, be it my family, my first love, my best friend, my friends...every person i have come in contact with - in my entire life - has caused me inexplicable emotional agony - and probably none of them realize it - most don't seem to care - can you imagine what it's like - to have someone be cruel to you - with ZERO regard for your concern or well being - every day of your life since you were a child - and then expect you to have ZERO reactions to them about it - i have tried my entire existence to suppress myself at the behest of others - others who treat me like i have no right - to acknowledge the pain they're causing me - no right to acknowledge the hurtful ways they act they act - 

This twisted reality I've been enduring for so long is finally coming to its end - my self awareness has expanded far enough to identify the source of my turmoil and begin changing things - 

I only just started realizing this fundamental misconception of human communication a month ago - since then i had a theory - to pay attention to my emotions and identify the cause - every single time the source of it is a person - there is pain and a flood of emotion that is unpleasant - i asked myself why is this happening - and then i began to realize that autistic people have malleable understandings of facial expressions and body language - it's not intuitive like with normal people and my mother - this vindictive cruel woman - warped and twisted my fundamental interpretation of so many forms of human expression to the point that - literally so many commonly used one's - that every person i come in contact with - was turned into an aggressor an abuser and hurt me constantly - without relent - without hesitation - 

And nobody can comprehend the true extent of this...right now im in a down swing with my emotions and im seeing everyone as an enemy but there is one small ray of hope off in the distance - 

2 times in the past 4 months - with 2 seperate people - i had a glimmer of hope a glimpse of what things could be like

In each instance i told the person what was making me upset - both times it was people - they had hurt me profusely and i couldn't get this mental representation out of my mind of them making the same faces and body language gestures that had scared me - they were gone for hours and i was still hurting and upset and reacting to them - because i couldn't stop thinking about them - i've struggled with this constantly for years - being unable to escape my mental fixations on people who - embodied - threatening enough - facial expressions and body language that i deemed them so severe a threat i felt fundamentally incapable of not keeping myself constantly aware of them and ready for them to be hurtful - I see their faces grimacing - in my head and i feel pain and it hurts me constantly 

I could only liken the feeling to that of being on my knee's - with a lions jaw - open and 1 inch away from my neck - to turn my attention away from the lion would feel like certain death and that's what I've been feeling for certain people every moment of my life - within seconds of waking up till the moment i go to sleep - 

Regardless though - these 2 people were able to help me - i told them - the way i saw the people in my mind and they told me other reasons they were acting like that - and somehow - when they're in the process of telling me - those alternative circumstances causing the people to act like that - i feel comfortable enough - to try and envision it - and in both circumstances i was able to successfully let go of the - hurtful way i was seeing them in my head and - replace it with something not hurtful - and the emotional experience changed instantly and extremely - i felt - the first time i happened 4 months ago - real compassion for the person - i felt instantly ready to forgive them and apologize for what i'd done to contribute to the conflict - it was remarkable to see such dramatic results so quickly - 

The thing that sucks the most about this though - is -people don't understand - the - true extend - of just how much - my perspective of communication has been corrupted - 

It's horrendous  

It's like im trapped - i can only see hurtful communication - and when people try to help me - they end up hurting me - and i can't - break through - that barrier - of miscommunication between me and others - i try so much to - but the pain - coupled together with the complete and utter disregard for my pain shown by others - seemingly because they have no clue at all how much they're hurting me - it's been impossible 

I don't think i'll ever be able to get help as long as people don't completely understand how much they're hurting me - all the time - 

People expect me to instantly be capable of comprehending their good intentions and receiving their good intentions 100% successfully and i constantly have to pretend like it's workign even when it's LITERALLY NEVER WORKING EVER BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE THEM THAT WAY EVER BECAUSE THEY'RE HURTING ME TOO FUCKING MUCH AND NOT COMPREHENDING IT OR STOPPING OR EVEN TRYING TO APOLOGIZE 

All they see is how much they're "trying" or how much "they intend" they don't comprehend or address the pain they're causing me - and that's been the most fucked up part of my experience...

The fact that people can be literally twisted my nipples emotionally - and look me in the face and say they have no idea they're doing it and then act like im the bad person for being upset and expect me to stop - do you have any fucking idea how fucking insulting and incomprehensibly unfair that is to be put through - i mean IS IT ANY WONDERING IM SLOWLY DEVELOPING INTO A MOTHER FUCKER SOCIOPATH

I don't even honestly have the courage or capability anymore to confront people on the pain they're causing - i've been beaten into submission like a little bitch . All i can do is speak the words without - daring to have the audacity to mean it - for fear that other people will hurt me - but i have to speak out about it

*ALERT* I HAVE IMPOSTERS, CONFIRM ALL DEALS ON C.IO DM'S *ALERT*

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too much to read